Tuesday, January 25, 2011

My Introduction

I am 33 years old.  I am a mother of four children.  I have been married for 8 1/2 years.  I have lost two babies.  I don't think I love my husband anymore.
Last year the kids & I relocated to another state while my husband stayed in our old state to continue working.  The plan was for him to fly up every weekend and eventually transfer to a company in the new state.  That hasn't happened. And, i don't mind.
This hasn't always been the case, however.  The decision to live in seperate states was my husbands idea.  I left that decision up to him since he would be away from us.  I had every intention on making the situation work and never once thought otherwise.  What followed the decision was almost a year of hell & mental torture.  I tried to stay strong.  I tried to still love him. Maybe I was just convincing myself I loved him.
Living by myself again has brought to my attention that I lost my soul somewhere.  I gave up so much of myself or hid away things to make my marraige "successful".  I cheated myself.  Am I perfect?  Hell no!  But, I don't like who I made myself to be in my marraige.  Could we stay married if I brought back those pieces of me I missed?   He hates some of those things I hid away.  He is not confident enough to not see my strengths as a threat.
The biggest question I have been asking myself lately is...Was I ever "in love" with my husband or did I settle?  I don't like the answer I keep giving.  It means I am guilty of cheating him & my children from a happy & picture perfect family.
This is my journey.  My journey to find my soul.  My journey...that, more than likely, will thrust me down the road of divorce.