I am 33 years old. I am a mother of four children. I have been married for 8 1/2 years. I have lost two babies. I don't think I love my husband anymore.
Last year the kids & I relocated to another state while my husband stayed in our old state to continue working. The plan was for him to fly up every weekend and eventually transfer to a company in the new state. That hasn't happened. And, i don't mind.
This hasn't always been the case, however. The decision to live in seperate states was my husbands idea. I left that decision up to him since he would be away from us. I had every intention on making the situation work and never once thought otherwise. What followed the decision was almost a year of hell & mental torture. I tried to stay strong. I tried to still love him. Maybe I was just convincing myself I loved him.
Living by myself again has brought to my attention that I lost my soul somewhere. I gave up so much of myself or hid away things to make my marraige "successful". I cheated myself. Am I perfect? Hell no! But, I don't like who I made myself to be in my marraige. Could we stay married if I brought back those pieces of me I missed? He hates some of those things I hid away. He is not confident enough to not see my strengths as a threat.
The biggest question I have been asking myself lately is...Was I ever "in love" with my husband or did I settle? I don't like the answer I keep giving. It means I am guilty of cheating him & my children from a happy & picture perfect family.
This is my journey. My journey to find my soul. My journey...that, more than likely, will thrust me down the road of divorce.